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Tag Archives: patterns

seeing the patterns & doing the same

August 22nd, 2008. Published under reflection. Comments.

If I can see the patterns of my life emerge in front and around me, why isn’t there the action to do differently?  I had so much momentum in my creative and personal work a couple of months ago, though now it’s been stifled and I’m doing the same old things the same old way.  The only difference now is that I can see the patterns clearly.

I can see the dread at night take my energy over and I somehow choose to rest myself down into it.  Before, I had found a way to change my step or to walk a little differently and shake off the down energy… change the way I saw something, or just choose to do one more thing for myself at the end of the day.  Instead, I open that door and walk right into tiredness, boredom, weariness.

“I’m just so tired” is a refrain I’ve had many years in my life.  One thing after another comes upon me and I let it all build up until I feel justified in repeating to myself that “I’m just so tired”.  For a few months there, it was like a joke to me.  It was so easily to laugh off or to state the opposite and it just went away and the real energy behind it came out and I had life.

Is it the little things, the little choices that steer the energy the other way?

“It isn’t worth it” is another big one.  What difference will it make?  Why in the world would I do this?  Etc.  Those are easy ones to slip back into as well.  And they feed on themselves.  One small choice in that direction makes it just that easier ot make another choice.  The little things add up.

Not having written here was a big piece of evidence that said those things above to me.  Perhaps the voicing of the little things that head me away from my true desire will scare them away or scare me up enough to make some difference in my life and build the momentum back towards the energy and the passion that I know is there.

Yes, let’s see it!

who are you doing it for?

July 22nd, 2008. Published under reflection. Comments.

Every once in a while, I get hit with a big and sudden loss-of-confidence in myself.  Most of the times, this originates in questioning what I’m doing, why I’m doing and most importantly who I’m doing it for.  I’ve come across this enough times to see a pattern in myself:

  • go all out and get excited about stuff
  • falter a bit, or have a setback
  • question, question, question
  • resent the people I’m doing it for
  • sabotage myself so I can be right about, “see - I gotta do it for myself!”
  • do things because it’s for me
  • feel alone
  • start over

See, it’s about that “start over” step.  I keep repeating it over and over, big & small.  Isn’t there some famous quote about what we do in small shows up in the big (and vice versa)?

I seem to think this might have something to do with who I see as me and who I see as them.  I must have created some false dichotomy long ago that I keep clinging to in times of stress and doubt.  It’s me, me, me for whom that I tell myself I need to do the things I want.  Though, who is that me?  I get it about who the “them” is… it’s the me that’s got me confused.

I was reminded of an email I wrote to a friend of mine a few weeks ago when he was going through some similar questioning.  Did I write this for him, or for me?  I’ve changed some of the details (to protect the innocent, as they say).

 

All those things or ways of being you thought you wanted might mean nothing. And everything you do is in some way ultimately meaningless. It’s true that at the end of this time everything you’ve done is essentially meaningless. No one cares. The earth will keep spinning round the sun whether you move to SF or not, whether you gel out in front of the TV or not. Fried chicken or pork chops? Donuts or salad? It just doesn’t matter.What does have meaning, and is the ultimate Thing That Matters is how you are… the beingness you bring to everything. I know for myself that I make up story after story about what has meaning in my life and I create such an elaborate scaffolding of will if I did X, then Y will happen and Z will be happy and I’ll be able to do to Q and then I can get to do R and all those S’s will be satisfied. It’s all shit. All of those mental constructs I create for myself so that I can convince myself that I’m happy with what I’m doing and what I have in life…

Every once in a while though I realize that happiness and sadness are superficial emotions that I use as justifications for the actions I’m taking. Getting rid of and busting through the need to *feel* those things is an incredible step towards a deeper, more core-shaking way of being.

Remember, it’s Be-Have-Do. Focusing on what you want to have or what you want to do is going to be meaningless until you know how you want to Be. So… when you hear the question, “What do you want?”, nothing is a fantastic answer. Keep asking yourself that question and keep demanding complete honesty from yourself with the answer. If you say, “Well, I want to move to this city”, say back to yourself, “Bullshit!” and then ask yourself again… “What do you really want?” — “I want deeper connections with my friends.”, say again “That’s bullshit, you asshole!” — You’re waking up to yourself, man — and it’s fucking beautiful! If you aren’t able to demand complete and utter honesty with yourself, then nothing is going to have any meaning at all.

How do you want to BE? That’s the question. And amazingly there is no answer to it. It’s a dialogue you have with yourself and the universe. Moment by moment. Every second of the day, you ask yourself how do I want to be? As soon as you have the answer, then your monkey mind will start to create the justifications so you have to throw it away again and again. Be Be Be. And Be some more.

I, personally, don’t care what you do. I don’t care what anyone does during this time. Though, I have seen glimpses of incredible earth-shattering beauty when you have taken yourself on and have shown a way of being that is precise, strong, vulnerable, beautiful, divine… it truly is incredible. And none of those words do it justice. I see true divinity in you. Forget about everything else you want to do and bring your self, your Big Self to everything.. . even to the questions your little self pitifully keeps squeaking out. Go, man, go!

from Rumi:

There is a
kind of worm that lives

happily inside the apple, totally ignorant of the tree,
the orchard, and the orchard

keeper. Another splits the apple open with its movements.
Prophetic fire reaches out

timidly at first, from the flint to fragments of cotton, but
eventually it becomes a sulfurous

dragon flying into starlight. This is how human beings move
from their attachments to

food and sleep to some unsayable state beyond the angels.
In the spirit you are a prince

for whom Baghdad and Samarcand are half a step away. Animal
energy lights your eyes

and quickens your step. Your hair grows and shines with
that energy, but move into

the deeper energy that derives from. There Muhammad
will welcome you, and

Gabriel will back away saying, “If I came closer, your
glory would consume me.”

Peace and Glory and All-Consuming Truth to you My Friend.

 

I’ll keep returning to my own words above.  It seems that when a friend is in need and I’m inspired to write something like that, it’s more for me than for him or her.  

notes on self-expression

July 2nd, 2008. Published under music, reflection. Comments.

I played another open mic last night and didn’t do as well as I had before… I began to be really hard on myself about it and was replaying every little mistake in my head.  A friend mentioned something about how Coltrane could never really listen to his own music because of his quest for perfection and all he heard were all the little mistakes.

Though I’ve always kept close the quote from Miles Davis about mistakes, “Don’t fear mistakes.  There are none.”  I’ve taken that to mean that mistakes are crucial to the creative process and can be a incredible source of new ideas or ways to approach a song.

On that note… (um, no pun intended) I was able to stop myself from beating myself up about the performance and instead took a step back and asked myself, “What could I have done different?  What are some strategies for making the next performance even better?”

NOTE: I’m figuring out that taking a step back and asking yourself something is a pretty f-in good thing to do.

Here’s a short list of what I came up with (and read further below for the big kicker about this process for myself):

Connect With Them

It’s always a good thing to establish a relationship with someone new.  And this is a great thing for starting of a set of music.  For me, this could look a lot of different ways: say hello, my name is… or taking a moment to breathe and looking out at them and making eye contact with a few… or even starting off with a story instead of music.  

Clarity Counts

Across the arc of the night, from beginning to middles to end, being clear about what’s going on is key.  Without it, I found the audience wandering and loud conversations taking over the place.  I imagine that recognizing that one song has ended and another one is about to being is big.  It’s like saying, “Here everyone is where the song has ended.  We’re in this quiet time in between and I have this story or an introduction to the next piece… and here we go it’s about to start this new song and Bam!”

I’m not up there to just spew out some noise (unless I’m in a punk mood).  It’s an experience we’re having together… not just me on the stage.

Passion

Passion should be apparent in every song… and not just to “them”, I gotta know the passion, too.  If not, then why the hell am I out there?  That doesn’t mean loud and boisterous all the time.  If I’m deep into a song and it’s moving me, then it’s a pretty sure bet that it’s moving them, too.  It’s infectious!

When passion is working, I lose my self and find a bigger Self to connect with.  It’s a place where we all come together during that space the music is creating.  To hit that FLOW when everything and everyone is grooving, that’s magic.  In there, I can be the container and the base and the foundation through which everyone else has the space to find and have their own experience that can take them outside themselves to something greater.   And when it’s places they don’t expect, it’s beautiful.  Be excited, be proud, be fun.

Be Prepared

Down to the technicals of the execution of the song, it’s gotta be solid.  I have to know the song in and out so that when it comes to making it live, there’s opportunity to improvise and adjust to the context of the place.  When the song is easy, then I get to experience the magic of making it different.  My mood, my intention, the crowd, the place… they all feed into creating a new and unique experience every time the songs are “made”.  And they are made over and over each time they are voiced.  This is having dominion over the music.

Everything In Working Order

And down then to the physicality of the instruments… my guitar, my body, my fingers, the strings, the stool, the capo, the clip.  All of this should be in top shape.  I can improvise when it’s not, though a lot of times that will take me out of the flow of creation when the song is being played.  I forgot to move the capo down two frets for a particular song and it threw me off when I started to hit the higher notes.  It’s a “mistake” that could have some potential, though.  It changed the song fairly drastically… Hmm… maybe I should take a look at that.

Either way, fresh strings and a clean guitar.  Clipped nails and a tight capo.  All the little details make it important to be able to shine when the time comes that a song emerges triumphant in the shared space of experience.

–

So, after writing all of this… I realized, wait, this is not about music.  Or, rather the music is about life and the things I’m telling myself about the music is directly related and applicable to everything else in my life.  Facets, facets, facets!  It’s all the same and so electrifyingly unique at every turn.  All of my attitudes and approaches are reflected everywhere I turn.  Passion in my work, being prepared with my kids, keeping my body in great physical shape, clarity in communication, connection with every relationship… that’s where it’s at.  

 

If I’m grooving in one are, I’m going to open it up and let the other areas take it on.  

Take your own particular experience that was not what you thought you could do.  Ask yourself, “how can I make it better next time?”  Be specific and answer yourself in detail.  Then take a step back and ask, “where else can this advice work in my life?”  Go for it!

 

patterns of self destruction

June 27th, 2008. Published under reflection. Comments.

Every once in a while, I get to see myself in all of my full-color widescreen glory… and sometimes it doesn’t look so great.  When a particular problem arises in one area, if I’m able to dig into the problem and unwrap the layers and layers of self-defense and justifications, I can get a glimpse of how this one issue is just a reflection of a larger, repeating pattern.

Last night, I took some time to investigate why I start project after project and don’t continue it.  I have always been the architect of my own undoing and this time I got to the heart of the why.

Tell yourself, “Whatever stops me from doing <insert your desire here>, stops me everywhere.”  And, ask yourself, “What are those things?” … think of the things you do as playing a game with its own rules and playing fields and you as the player…

For me… it comes down to:

  • disenchantment
  • stop believing in the game
  • time resentment
  • doubting intention
  • the burden of commitment
  • strife distractions

For each one of these, I see exactly how it keeps appearing in all aspects of my life and how I use these things as excuses to never finish what I start.  And, for each one, I’ve got some ideas about how to deal with it…

Disenchantment

I lose interest in the project… lose faith in the process.  Boredom (which is most usually just a resistance to moving forward) takes over and, like I tell my kids, “only boring people get bored.”

  • slow down, be aware, spend time with the boring things
  • “If something’s boring, try it until it’s not.” – John Cage
  • own the process, make it your own
  • contemplate and understand the process
  • then poke and prod it until it sings

Stop Believing in the Game

I sign up to “play” these projects and ideas and jobs and friendships and on and on… though at some point I stop believing in the value of it all.  I see flaws in the process; flaws in my approach.  It all stops making sense.  And I want to exit.

  • then, agree with yourself to stop the game and quite fighting with yourself
  • change the rules and play a different game
  • rekindle your belief in the game and play your heart out
  • find out how to succeed instead and JFDI (just fucking do it)

Time Resentment

A huge one for me… time becomes scarce.  The demands of too many involvements suck my energy away and I find myself with no time for anything.  I rush through and do half-ass jobs on everything which creates more stress and even more the feeling of “there ain’t enough time!”

  • make time management tools work (see Getting Things Done)
  • stop taking on so much
  • delegate
  • stay focused, stay purposeful

Doubting Intention

I start to ask why I began it all in the first place and I forget the core of my intention which is almost always distorted by the time and distance between the start and now.

  • go back to the beginning and truly understand the reason why you started
  • find the why of the why
  • travel back in time and reset the intention if it feels off
  • put the intention into the larger context of what you want to with your life
  • trust the you that got you there

The Burden of Commitment

Kinda related to time resentment, though instead of my strong commitment being a blessing I turn it into a burden and as something that sucks me dry

  • return to the strength you find in purpose and commitment
  • choose to own it
  • reclaim it
  • fulfill the promise you made and *move on*

Strife Distractions

Yeah yeah yeah… conflict happens.  And I take it all in way too deep and use the conflict as an excuse to give up in all areas.  Get over it, man.  Strife happens.  Don’t take your own self down when it feels like others are trying to do the same.

  • “It burns burns burns… this ring of fire!”  – Johnny Cash