Tag Archives: reflection
seeing the patterns & doing the same
August 22nd, 2008. Published under reflection. Comments.
If I can see the patterns of my life emerge in front and around me, why isn’t there the action to do differently? I had so much momentum in my creative and personal work a couple of months ago, though now it’s been stifled and I’m doing the same old things the same old way. The only difference now is that I can see the patterns clearly.
I can see the dread at night take my energy over and I somehow choose to rest myself down into it. Before, I had found a way to change my step or to walk a little differently and shake off the down energy… change the way I saw something, or just choose to do one more thing for myself at the end of the day. Instead, I open that door and walk right into tiredness, boredom, weariness.
“I’m just so tired” is a refrain I’ve had many years in my life. One thing after another comes upon me and I let it all build up until I feel justified in repeating to myself that “I’m just so tired”. For a few months there, it was like a joke to me. It was so easily to laugh off or to state the opposite and it just went away and the real energy behind it came out and I had life.
Is it the little things, the little choices that steer the energy the other way?
“It isn’t worth it” is another big one. What difference will it make? Why in the world would I do this? Etc. Those are easy ones to slip back into as well. And they feed on themselves. One small choice in that direction makes it just that easier ot make another choice. The little things add up.
Not having written here was a big piece of evidence that said those things above to me. Perhaps the voicing of the little things that head me away from my true desire will scare them away or scare me up enough to make some difference in my life and build the momentum back towards the energy and the passion that I know is there.
Yes, let’s see it!
who are you doing it for?
July 22nd, 2008. Published under reflection. Comments.
Every once in a while, I get hit with a big and sudden loss-of-confidence in myself. Most of the times, this originates in questioning what I’m doing, why I’m doing and most importantly who I’m doing it for. I’ve come across this enough times to see a pattern in myself:
- go all out and get excited about stuff
- falter a bit, or have a setback
- question, question, question
- resent the people I’m doing it for
- sabotage myself so I can be right about, “see - I gotta do it for myself!”
- do things because it’s for me
- feel alone
- start over
See, it’s about that “start over” step. I keep repeating it over and over, big & small. Isn’t there some famous quote about what we do in small shows up in the big (and vice versa)?
I seem to think this might have something to do with who I see as me and who I see as them. I must have created some false dichotomy long ago that I keep clinging to in times of stress and doubt. It’s me, me, me for whom that I tell myself I need to do the things I want. Though, who is that me? I get it about who the “them” is… it’s the me that’s got me confused.
I was reminded of an email I wrote to a friend of mine a few weeks ago when he was going through some similar questioning. Did I write this for him, or for me? I’ve changed some of the details (to protect the innocent, as they say).
All those things or ways of being you thought you wanted might mean nothing. And everything you do is in some way ultimately meaningless. It’s true that at the end of this time everything you’ve done is essentially meaningless. No one cares. The earth will keep spinning round the sun whether you move to SF or not, whether you gel out in front of the TV or not. Fried chicken or pork chops? Donuts or salad? It just doesn’t matter.What does have meaning, and is the ultimate Thing That Matters is how you are… the beingness you bring to everything. I know for myself that I make up story after story about what has meaning in my life and I create such an elaborate scaffolding of will if I did X, then Y will happen and Z will be happy and I’ll be able to do to Q and then I can get to do R and all those S’s will be satisfied. It’s all shit. All of those mental constructs I create for myself so that I can convince myself that I’m happy with what I’m doing and what I have in life…
Every once in a while though I realize that happiness and sadness are superficial emotions that I use as justifications for the actions I’m taking. Getting rid of and busting through the need to *feel* those things is an incredible step towards a deeper, more core-shaking way of being.
Remember, it’s Be-Have-Do. Focusing on what you want to have or what you want to do is going to be meaningless until you know how you want to Be. So… when you hear the question, “What do you want?”, nothing is a fantastic answer. Keep asking yourself that question and keep demanding complete honesty from yourself with the answer. If you say, “Well, I want to move to this city”, say back to yourself, “Bullshit!” and then ask yourself again… “What do you really want?” — “I want deeper connections with my friends.”, say again “That’s bullshit, you asshole!” — You’re waking up to yourself, man — and it’s fucking beautiful! If you aren’t able to demand complete and utter honesty with yourself, then nothing is going to have any meaning at all.
How do you want to BE? That’s the question. And amazingly there is no answer to it. It’s a dialogue you have with yourself and the universe. Moment by moment. Every second of the day, you ask yourself how do I want to be? As soon as you have the answer, then your monkey mind will start to create the justifications so you have to throw it away again and again. Be Be Be. And Be some more.
I, personally, don’t care what you do. I don’t care what anyone does during this time. Though, I have seen glimpses of incredible earth-shattering beauty when you have taken yourself on and have shown a way of being that is precise, strong, vulnerable, beautiful, divine… it truly is incredible. And none of those words do it justice. I see true divinity in you. Forget about everything else you want to do and bring your self, your Big Self to everything.. . even to the questions your little self pitifully keeps squeaking out. Go, man, go!
from Rumi:
There is a
kind of worm that liveshappily inside the apple, totally ignorant of the tree,
the orchard, and the orchardkeeper. Another splits the apple open with its movements.
Prophetic fire reaches outtimidly at first, from the flint to fragments of cotton, but
eventually it becomes a sulfurousdragon flying into starlight. This is how human beings move
from their attachments tofood and sleep to some unsayable state beyond the angels.
In the spirit you are a princefor whom Baghdad and Samarcand are half a step away. Animal
energy lights your eyesand quickens your step. Your hair grows and shines with
that energy, but move intothe deeper energy that derives from. There Muhammad
will welcome you, andGabriel will back away saying, “If I came closer, your
glory would consume me.”Peace and Glory and All-Consuming Truth to you My Friend.
I’ll keep returning to my own words above. It seems that when a friend is in need and I’m inspired to write something like that, it’s more for me than for him or her.
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